Talking about Rocket Reds and Guardsmen has gotten me all nostalgic for all the other armored chumps in the superhero megagenre.* I feel a theme week organically developing. Such is the magic of the Internet: entertainment that develops in real time!
Today I would like to talk about my personal favorite group of disposable goons in high-tech armor:
Today I would like to talk about my personal favorite group of disposable goons in high-tech armor:
Mandroid units are advanced suits of personal battle armor that are piloted by specially trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. They give an extra bit of tactical punch to S.H.I.E.L.D. combat missions and are often deployed against superhuman opponents.
Which brings us to the real purpose of Mandroids: getting the shit kicked out of them by superheroes.
Mandroids are built to take a beating, which is a good thing because everyone from Thor to Kitty Pryde has smacked one around. Designed by Stark Industries, Mandroids were at first used exclusively used by S.H.I.E.L.D., but eventually were used by villains like Moses Magnum (Let me just add parenthetically that I love Moses Magnum). They have titanium armor, force fields, complex sensors, and crazy-ass weapons ranging from neuro-stunners to laser torches.
And they are bright. Fucking. Yellow.
Seriously, couldn’t they have painted the Mandroids a color more appropriate to the battlefield than ultra-yellow? Why not rig them with flashing bicycle lights and big neon “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX” tees? That might be a little more subtle.
The Mandroids have a lamentable track record against any and all opponents. My favorite Mandroid beat-down takes place in the classic Iron Man storyline “The Armor Wars,” wherein Iron Man decides that there are waaay too many people with powered armor running around and decides to whittle the population down. Here he is absolutely humiliating some Mandroids:
Which brings us to the real purpose of Mandroids: getting the shit kicked out of them by superheroes.
Mandroids are built to take a beating, which is a good thing because everyone from Thor to Kitty Pryde has smacked one around. Designed by Stark Industries, Mandroids were at first used exclusively used by S.H.I.E.L.D., but eventually were used by villains like Moses Magnum (Let me just add parenthetically that I love Moses Magnum). They have titanium armor, force fields, complex sensors, and crazy-ass weapons ranging from neuro-stunners to laser torches.
And they are bright. Fucking. Yellow.
Seriously, couldn’t they have painted the Mandroids a color more appropriate to the battlefield than ultra-yellow? Why not rig them with flashing bicycle lights and big neon “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX” tees? That might be a little more subtle.
The Mandroids have a lamentable track record against any and all opponents. My favorite Mandroid beat-down takes place in the classic Iron Man storyline “The Armor Wars,” wherein Iron Man decides that there are waaay too many people with powered armor running around and decides to whittle the population down. Here he is absolutely humiliating some Mandroids:
As with all things armor in the Marvel Universe, Tony “Iron Man” Stark designed the Mandroids, so he takes them down to Chinatown in a pretty decisive and one-sided battle. You can almost hear the Mandroid pilot’s shrill, panicked screaming in these panels:
Another classic Mandroid defeat is in John Byrne’s album-sized She-Hulk graphic novel. She Hulk is accosted by some Mandroids in Times Square.
Bad call.
Bad call.
I would love to read the after-action report those guys had to file for their S.H.I.E.L.D. superiors:
“…target then grabbed this agent and Unit L3 by our shoulder vents and spun us in the air, cracking our helmets together. Primary life support systems went offline. Hull zones 3 through 7 were compromised. This agent began crying for his mother…”
Getting beat on by a laughing seven-foot tall green woman in an outfit like that could lead to some strange post-traumatic stress symptoms. What is She Hulk wearing anyway? A little silver disco tuxedo thing, complete with bowtie. I don't get it.
Another thing I don't get is why they are called "Mandroids." Are they just like androids, only with an extra consonant? I understand the Mandroid name and brand was likely generated in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Marketing Divison and went through lots of focus groups, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. It sounds cool, and that counts for a lot. Plus, "Mandroid" was probably the best name they could come up with. These are the same marketing wizards that came up with the name "life model decoys" to describe their real androids.
Mandroids: big, yellow, and lovable. Just like Big Bird.
*That’s right, I said “megagenre.” Go ahead and make fun of me, I’m not taking it back.
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